Hmm..

So today has been one of the hardest days of parenting for me. I have never been so frustrated and on the verge of screaming . . as I was today. Araleigh was SO HARD today. She threw more tantrums today, IN PUBLIC, than she ever has total in her life. All within about 5 hours. It was really frustrating --- and she is now grounded from her bike, literally. I am not sure why but she thought that public humiliation-- while running away, screaming, throwing tantrums, hitting and mocking me --- would make me want to kiss her face off. DONT THINK SO. It was a true test for me today not to come off my rocker and "freak" out on her. The weird thing is, it started as such a positive day. She had her second dentist appt (which I realize I never posted on her first). She did VERY well. The assistant asked her if she would go back by herself and she said "yep" and off she went like she was all mature. Canden and I just hung out and I chased him around trying to keep him off the stairs they have there. When she came back out they said how impressed they were . . she let them do everything they needed, didn't cry or act scared . . just asked questions and wanted to know everything. I have realized though that this is how she copes with "new" situations. Cory has found that as long as you "talk" her through everything and make sure she KNOWS what will happen-- she doesn't care. Like when she had her VCUG -- we told her exactly what was going to happen and she was really good about the whole thing. Obviously she cried a whole lot but she knew what was going to happen. Funny part was she came out and everytime I looked down she was spitting --- ???? Turns out the fluoride they put on her teeth she HATED how it tasted. The lady said she said "oh I like this stuff" then she put it on and 2 seconds later said "oh, no I really don't yike dis tuff" and began trying to spit it out. haha. Hopefully I can remember that cute stuff and forget about the nightmare I had after this appointment. But we did accomplish a lot in my shopping disaster. We found her dress for the wedding in July! Best I could find, and I found it on the clearance rack! $13.00 originally $50. We tried it on when we got home and its a little big-- but I will get a sash to go around it and it will be great! I also got some gift shopping done --- and that's about it. We did get to go have lunch today after Araleigh's appt with my dad. It was interesting because I have found that it's not often that I have lunch with JUST my dad. Mom is always there with me . . . it was nice having some time with him and the kids. He is so good with them, all of them. The other night we were at their house and he was just chasing those kids everywhere. The whole house was shaking from him jumping up and running after them and he was just a sweating from every angle . . .but I haven't seen those kids gleam like that in a while. Everyone was so hot because of the small space and running into each other --- but he just kept after them and they kept coming back for more. I won't forget the look on Araleigh's face when she'd come in to tease him and he'd jump up at her to get her. It was a true memory I hope not to forget of him. I have realized through this past while that I really am blessed with wonderful parents. Everyone says that -- I know, but if I knew how wonderful my parents would be as grandparents --- I would have tried to be better on them as well. I have never seen such love and devotion as my parents have for their grandkids. They have seriously become their life. How many Grandpa's do you know take all 13 kids on "grandpa's week" in the mountains, camping? (okay that excludes babies and such). But he does . . he loves it . .and it has become a huge thing in the summer. That is one thing I am so excited for -- when Araleigh gets to go with them (maybe this year?). It will be fun for her because if we are moving -- we know she can still come back and be a part of that yearly tradition that he has created. It will be a very hard day when these things can't happen anymore.

As today is coming to an end . . . I am realizing how blessed I am. Man, I complain a lot --- but for me this year has been the most trying in my life. So I get to . . . for me. and for my "journals" sake. I want to reflect on the hard times and know and experience what I went through. It's called record keeping . . and all trials usually come about with a blessing. Which is how journals work--- you complain, you cry . . . and then something amazing happens: BOOM testimony strengthener. But I also, in going through my trials have realized that there are even MORE trials that others are going through . . that I couldn't even imagine. So many people compare their lives: My life is worse than yours, I am glad I am not them. ... who cares? The only person it reflects is yourself. Everyone has a right to struggle through their trials and not have to worry about who's is worse. But I am greatful on this night for many things I have learned in my experiences over the past year. I do know that through trial and error -- good things happen. I am truly praying that this move to Washington will be the start of something good. I know it is . . .it's just getting there. I am grateful for my kids health . . . my husbands health . . and overall my health. I have run into many people recently that have had many ongoing --- never ending struggles with things popping up -- cancer, strokes, death --- like serious stuff. I just realize that things can always be worse ---- and I am grateful for my trials. I have a roof over my head, I have two beautiful and healthy kids, my husband (which I am thankful I have one!) has a job . . . and I have a pretty great family that love each other. We don't starve and my kids are loved. I am blessed.

I heart A/C

So I wasn't home much today--- but lets just say it was pretty hot. . and I am SO GLAD Cory got that A/C in. For the short time we weren't running errands in the hot weather we were enjoying the cooled house while Araleigh ran in and out blowing bubbles at her doll and riding her bike with her skirt on and her leather, (hot and sweaty) knee high boots, and sunglasses. Class one Diva that girl is. I ended up having to put the gate up at the door and leave it open and just keep the air on because Canden kept getting SO mad that he couldn't go outside -- so we let the flies come inside to chill tonight. Oh well, they had lots of fun playing with the bubbles making a mess. I did accomplish alot today though-- phew. Now tomorrow--- I get to tackle the park again. I am starting to dread it now its getting hotter. (So dumb, I know I complain about the weather then its too hot for me to stand it sometimes!) Good thing about Idaho-- there is most always a breeze to cool ya down a sweat drop! Hopefully tomorrow will be nice and I won't have to fight Araleigh TOO much about HOW much time we spend at the park. Til tomorrow

I am ok.

I fear like I have lead a lot of people that read my blog into thinking I am a sheer push away from a attempt on my life. lol. I just want to clarify that I am okay. I am enduring . . . and I am grateful for the concern, help, support and kind words that people have expressed. I am not sure why these trials have hit me all at once. It seems as if a break never comes . . . and in eye sight I feel like I won't be able to breath again for a while because things just keep piling on. But I just want people to know that this has become a way of refuge, therapy and journaling for me. Mostly it is for me and my experiences to go into my book at the end of the year. I am not a jounal keeper through "writing" . . . so most of my thoughts and experiences are always conveyed through my blog. I am fine. I have realized through all of these trials that I am A LOT stronger than I thought I was. I have endured more suffering and pain in the past 6 months than I think I ever have (besides my pregnancy with Araleigh but that doesn't count). But I have become so much stronger and realized the capacity of how much mothers can do when they have to. I have absolutely NO IDEA how, in the episodes I have had, I have continued to take care of my children . . . and keep them fed, bathed, all around OKAY. But I have truly seen the Lord's hand in giving me strength to endure. I wish I could say to the end --- but for some reason it seems like there isn't one. But I am accepting the fact that things happen --- and we just have to live by the day and get through it. Tomorrow is a new day and I want to be positive for my children, for myself, and for my family. I do know in my heart that one of these days . . . good will happen and I will be able to fall over in a sigh of relief that things will work out and I will be okay. My husband has a great job that he loves --- though his family is sacrificing but I have realized that seeing him at his job and how good these people are to him is worth this short span in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. He is happy and in the end-- when we are together again as a whole . . . we will be happy. My children are wonderful and growing and keep me breathing -- they are what I get out of bed for --- what I endure through all of the trials for. Without my kids, right now -- though because of them it seems so much harder- I have realized that THEY are the strength in me. If it weren't for them -- I'd be in bed all day sulking and probably making myself more sick than I really am. I have an UNBELIEVEABLE testimony of the power of Motherhood. It truly is a Divine Calling and the Lord blesses us Mothers and Nurturers with the Strength to continute to raise our kids -- even through the worst of times. How thankful I am for this knowledge that if one more thing goes wrong --- I KNOW I will be able to get through it. Thanks again for the kind words of support. Lonely as its been . . though all my dirty laundry is out there for people to read. It helps me the continue on my path knowing that someone out there has been interested and caring enough to write or send kind words. It means more than you know. I just want you to know that I am not putting this out there for sympathy --- again it is my journal, my life and experience of what I am going through. Someday I will look back on this and be proud of how much I went through and never gave up. It is for me, don't feel bad . . . I have realized that every mother has trials -- and every mother will endure, because thats what they are: Mothers of the Lord's precious children. I am so blessed to be one.

I swear, my life is a test

I think the Lord is really testing me right now. This week has been HELL. Its seems like I have these post ALL the Time. I don't know why this crap keeps happening but it does. I am really wanting my life back, my health back, my husband back. On Monday I was so sick -- not sure why but I just didn't feel good, didn't really eat and just didn't feel right. Well, I had to take Canden to the Dr . . because well, where he had Surgery = on Sunday I noticed a big old bump, surrounded by swelling and what seemed to be the start of an infection. By Monday morning it was completely infected. So off we went to the Dr. Well, we sat at the Dr. for almost TWO HOURS. We had to be referred to a different Urologist because his was on vacation for a week.
I was a bit frustrated because he just sent us off with more meds (to which he is already ON for an ear infection). I figured he might at least drain it or something-- but nope. Anyways, so I finally got home after getting Araleigh from my mom and got everyone to bed. Well, I woke up early that morning and noticed a lovely coldsore on my bottom lip. . . then it was followed by puking, puking and well . . . not eating thats for sure! Anyways, so as the day progressed--- so did my lip. All of the sudden it went from a tiny thing in my the corner of my mouth to a MASSIVE outbreak allover my bottom lip. My lip was swollen at LEAST 10x its normal size. It has been MISERABLE. Well, my mom came over at 8-- face dropping to the floor wanting to take me to the ER. Yeah, right-- I just got my last medical bill for $2000 for my stupid back. No Thank You. So, I just decided to wait it out to see if the swelling went down over night. My mom decided to let Araleigh stay the night with her because I had been so sick all day. Anyways, so I ended up being up . . literally ALL night long in pain and just suffering. BY morning it was EVEN BIGGER. We called and got the first appt at the doctors office. When I got there the doctor came in--- looked at my platypus, ugly UGLY face --- and said "oh wow." (Thanks, I am so excited to be out in public!) He instantly sent me over to the pharmacy to get a plethera of antibiotics. THANKFULLY they have helped a TON. I started them yesterday and as of today-- the swelling is mostly gone. But I still have a massive ball of ugly on my life with some swelling. I have just been caking it with all sorts of crap trying to get the thing to go away. Needless to say in the past 3 days --- since I have been on a liquid only diet (I can only eat through a straw because of how massive my lips blew up and hurt like no other) Well, as of today I have lost 3 lbs. Which if I don't gain it back real soon I will be TWO lbs away from my goal of where I was 2 years ago--- woot woot! Pretty sure this wasn't worth it in the SLIGHTEST. But I will take a little good with the horrific. Anyways, so don't be coming knocking on my door anytime this week-- cuz I can guarantee you-- I will be hiding from you! Maybe in a few days I will be okay enough to be in public. But not yet. Thankfully, Cory decided to come home last night and has helped with the kids. I have had NO energy and just been sick, plus I have been trying really hard to stay away from Canden-- which is impossible. I literally carry around with my sanitizer to prevent ANY spread of this nightmare. My poor little man gets them too-- so I have to be EXTRA careful around him. Anyways, so its been an absolute nightmare. Luckily cory is here and tomorrow --- I get to send him out to do ALL my errands cuz you can bet ur hiney-- I'm not leaving my sanctuary! SO Glad he decided to come home-- or else I would be forced to be out in public doing my business while suffering from complete humiliation and prolly in the end going back to the doctor to get on "mood" meds. Thank the Lord for "at home" daddy's!

I am just saying--- My bad streak of the worlds most tormented and unhealthy family -- has GOT TO COME TO AN END SOMETIME. You'd think Karma would pick up and all the "trying" to be positive and Endure to the end ---- lets just say something good needs to happen soon or I am going to be one exhausted, bitter momma. Well, I'm off to baby my massive, excrutiating new appendage that resides on my face ---- please Lord, a break would be nice. I pray for no more unexpected problems with ANYONE in my family for at least a month. Fingers Crossed.

(I would like to have a positive, uplifting post at some point in the NEAR future).

Sundays . . are the worst.

Seriously, I cannot believe that every Sunday I have tackled my kids at church. Today, was for some reason the day of all days. I wanted to give up and go home . . . But I didn't. Our church is RIGHT at Both Canden's naps. I always put him down around 9:30-10 and he sleeps til like 12:30-1 Well, Church is at 11-- so he gets about a 45 min nap (IF he goes down) and then we go struggle at church. Then by the time church is Over at 2 -- he is soooo tired and ready for nap two. But it combined is horrific at church. I literally was running everywhere fighting with him. He'd throw his tantrums and would dart up the stairs (which he doesn't know how to come down -- but tumble). Then for some reason we had a REALLY emotional little girl. She was crying (as usual) about something and I went into her room and she said -- with big old tears streaming down her face " I JUST WANT MY DADDY TO LIVE WITH ME AGAIN. Y HE NOT LIVE WITH ME NEMORE?? I WANT DADDY TO LIVE WIT ME." She said this OVER and OVER while SOBBING. It was pretty heartbreaking. Then today we went to the Park for a picnic with my family and my mom asked all the kids to say something nice about their dads . . . well Cory isn't here and my niece asked Araleigh why she didn't do it and she said with a really sad face "my daddy don't live with me, he live with Preston." She did get to say something about Grandpa and when she was asked why she loves Grandpa she stated "I don't know why I love him, but I just do!" haha everyone else gave answers like . . he takes me fishing and ect. Not Araleigh. She doesn't know why, but she just does. It was cute. As we were going home the kids ended up running through the splash park and got SOAKED. Araleigh hated it. . weirdly. Canden LOVED it. It was fun for Araleigh to play with her cousins most the day --- but it was hard not having her dad here. I can tell now how much of a toll its taking on our family. I thought we were enduring -- but Cory said that his boss mentioned that he is noticing that Cory is needing his family-- he can tell its affecting him as well. So I guess its an all around problem right now. We are starting to get antsy to just move on with our lives and be together again. I am going up in a couple weeks to hopefully find some place to live. Its nerve racking and what not --- but hopefully things will work out. we will see.

I am greatful for these special days we get to have. I am so greatful for the Fathers in my life. I am very blessed. My dad is wonderful and has the biggest heart. He is incredible to the grandkids and truly wants the best for everyone. My father in law-- is just a rock. He has become that, a rock, for our family. Cory leans on him so much and for so many things because of his wisdom, guidance and honesty. He is a great example to us and we love them both so much.

Mine --- Cory, well I am so shocked at how well he handles Araleigh. He has always said that babies aren't his thing-- but now that Canden is roaming and getting bigger they will start to be closer. But it truly has been so fun to see Cory take Araleigh with him to work and just witness how much they bond when he is here. I have never seen Araleigh look at someone like she does her daddy. She absolutely adores him -- he is SO good with her. I loose my patiences ALL the time and I am the mean, disciplinary. Cory comes home and he is the wonderful, fun parent. That has been hard on me . . . but its worth it seeing their bonding. Cory sent Araleigh that flower for her graduation a week or two ago and I have never seen her light up like she did. She felt so special and wanted to tell everyone. He does so many little things for her that I can see makes her feel special. That is so important to me is to know that my kids feel that way. And if I have to be the mean one and him the nice one-- I dont care as long as she feels that way. I'm greatful for these men and their examples for my children. I am so sick from the things of the world that are happening and I know that with these examples to back me and my children --- we have a chance to get through it. Thank you to the daddy's in my life, they are all amazing. Cory, today was hard without you . . . especially for your little girl. But we can't wait for you to come home. Miss you.

What a day.

Well, today I spent all day not running anywhere. It was so weird. I usually have places to go. But not today. So this is what we did today:

Mess around and took pictures

Really, truly, NOTHING special. I played A LOT of ball with Canden and I did accomplish one thing . . cleaning out and sorting the kids clothes. They were all thrown together in bins and I needed to seperate them all out. But that is it. It has been SO cold I have NO idea if we are ever going to get a summer. A year ago I bought Canden all these shorts and such and he has worn shorts ONE DAY this year . . and it was still cold. So I am really hoping it comes soon so he can use these clothes before I have to put them away for the winter. Araleigh was a little hard today. Her attitude was a little to bratty today for my taste. She was telling me what to do left and right and talking back like crazy. I finally had to put her in time out for quite a while because of how naughty she was. Then as she sat in time out she decided to spit and stick her tongue out at me. Well, after I threatened to cut off her tongue for sticking it out so far --- she didn't do it again. UGH. I am so not ready for teenagers. . . because I swear my 3 year old is one. Canden is starting to get that one year old attitude as well. The tantrums are starting to fester I can feel it. He LOVES to hit. Not a good thing. He is always running up and whacking Araleigh -- he does it to play though so I try not to make a big deal out of it when he does it because it seems when I get after him and make a big deal he does it over and over because he is getting attention. So I have tried the technique of steering him into another direction to change focus.

I have realized how lonely nights are. It's been hard the past few days putting the kids down and by 8 having no one to talk to or being bored. Now that ALL of my fall shows are out the door for the season I LITERALLY am going nuts. It makes it a bit worse when the downstairs boys have their little parties. All I can do is lay here and listen to them enjoying themselves with all their little friends.. makes me wish my husband was here to party with me --by watching House! Oh well, another week and maybe he will come home. In the mean time --- I get to spend my days watching these two love bugs give snuggles and eskimo kisses to each other . . that is enough to get me through the lonely nights!

Happy Birthday baby boy!

My baby is one. I am sad. My little Canden is growing up just as fast. I cannot believe it. This past year has been so much fun with him in our family. It's amazing to me how much him and Araleigh adore each other. She is the only one that he will walk up to and just automatically lay his head on her or give her a big juicy kiss. It's the cutest thing. He truly has a spirit about him that makes the world want to smile. He loves people and loves attention. But mostly he just absolutely LOVES his sister. She walks in and he gets so excited . . I can hardly contain him. For his First Birthday I ordered this adorable cake for him. SO CUTE. It was the baby sesame street theme and we had everything. It was fun. We had his party on Sunday, the night before his real birthday because Cory had to leave for Washington again. It was fun. He got SO many presents and in the end the one he LOVED was the 99 cent ball. He absolutely LOVES LOVES LOVES balls. He plays with them all day long. He will walk around the whole house kicking them and chasing them. Then plays catch with the air. He is definately his daddy's boy! I got him this little baseball (tball) toy that has a bat. I went in the toy room today and he was just in there hitting it like crazy. He loved it. He is walking like a mad man-- mostly he just runs now.

We took him into the doctor today for his 12 month checkup. Here are his stats:

Height: 29 inches (16%)

Weight: 20 lb 7 oz (25%)

Head" 18 inches (31)

So much has happened to little Canden in his one year of life. Here are some milestones that I don't want to forget!

*Was born on a Sunday, with a Sunday dinner appetite! I had to nurse him right away.

*Went through 1 move into an apartment out of Grandma/Grandpa Arnold's

*Has had 4-5 haircuts --- his first at only a couple months

*Has only two teeth --- on the bottom

*Has been walking around furniture for about 4-5 months but is just these past 2 weeks decided that he knows how. Now he is running around everywhere!

*Absolutely LOVES balls.

*Nursed until about 9 months- but was too much of a snacker to let mom have a break. (He would nurse for like 5 minutes or less and then run play . . come back a few minutes later for more. I wasn't having it. Switched him to a bottle that he loves . . . it will be hard switching this next while!

*Adores his sister

*Has been through one surgery: his circ revision.

*Used to sing whenever he heard music. It was always this funny monotone sound that cracked me up. Church was always fun to hear him . . and make us laugh.

*Loves to watch the train go by our window. We live by a RR track and every time we hear the train he books it over to the window and sits there and watches it until he can't see it anymore.

*Can point to things when I ask him what they are: mom, dad, sis, baba, water (he runs to the tub) and dora for some reason. There are more I just can't think of them.

*Loves to snuggle his sister.

*Loves being outside

*Currently loves to eat oranges

*Will point and take me to what he wants. He already is stubborn . . uh oh!

* Loves to use utensils and feed his sister (or anyone) about a week ago he started doing this. We were at a restaurant and Araleigh went over by him and he scooped up a spoonful of rice and put it by her mouth and said "ahhhhh" with his mouth wide open. Ever since he loves to feed everyone whenever he has a spoon.

I am so grateful this little man has come into my life. He has taught me that I can have so much love that I cannot bare it almost. For a long time before him I thought I could never love anyone as much as Araleigh. Well, I have been proved wrong. I love both my kids more than anything and its so crazy how much love one person can have now that I am a mother. He has brightened our world and I know that Araleigh just adores him. They are really becoming SO close . . . when I took him in today to get his shots and he started crying as he was getting them Araleigh screamed and said "stop hurting my bruver" and then after calming him down we had to go in to get his iron checked. Well, she started crying and FREAKING out before the lady even got in there saying she didn't want me to let the dr's hurt him and make him cry. She said " I love Canden and he can't cry. I don't want him hurt" It was very sweet. How do u explain to a 3 year old that someone stabbing you in the leg is a good thing? lol Anyways, I am so glad this little ray of sunshine is in our lives. He is a character and is keeping me on my toes now that he is mobile and out of control. But he is so much fun! I love you, Canden Boy!

This week status: Spoiled.

I am not quite sure what fire was lit under my hubby's trunk but for some reason I have been more spoiled this week that I have ever. First it was some pretty nice phone calls that all he could tell me was how much he loved me and such. (weird, I know!) Then I came home last week to these beauties sitting on my counter with that note suprising me saying he was going to be home that night:

Then the whole time he was here last weekend he was making sure I had a break. He had a babysitter for us on Saturday and got her like 3 hours early so we could just go spend time together. It drives me nuts having my kids with someone else unless I am getting things done. Like going STRAIGHT to dinner or STRAIGHT to the movie and back. But it wasn't the case. We left and I was like ..... now what? He wanted to go just hang out and sleep or watch tv til we went to dinner and the movie just so I could relax. So we decided to stop and get a sno shack and drove right into the farmers market in Rexburg. Um . . so I had no idea how big it was. . and it happened to be kids day so they had so many fun things going on. That made it worse that I didn't have my kids. Cory just shooshed me and parked and we went around and just enjoyed looking at everything. Then we went to dinner and the movie. It was a good night away from the kids and that night at dinner we talked so much . . . it was almost like we were dating all over again because we were learning about our now "seperate" lives and what has been happening in them.

Then last night as I was doing my nightly Facebook check-- he writes on his status: " There is a present for my wife sitting in my parents mail. I wonder if she will read this and go get it tomorrow."

Kind of an interesting way to tell me ... but I got the message real quick! Anyways, so I was real antsy to go see. Well I show up, open my package and was really pleasantly suprised as to what I found!

He bought me this sweet necklace:

Now, I follow many "pro" blogs and have seen these vintage necklaces. Well, a while back I went onto the website while Cory was with me. Not even THINKING about getting one. But I just looked them over and told him I thought they were cool. . and here we are now . . with one! I am really excited. I absolutely love having my kids names on it! Anyways, great job hun . . . I have been completely overwhelmed this week by him. He has NEVER suprised me in his life (even our proposal wasn't a suprise) and has been full of it this past while. I really appreciate him thinking of me and trying to make me feel special when he is away from us. It has helped me so much feel his presence because I know he is concerned and that he wants me to know he loves me. . . I think I am getting the message! :)

GARAGE SALE

Alright people . . we are having a GINORM Garage Sale tomorrow (Friday) and Saturday from 7am-1pm here is the posting:

ToNs of stuff: MATERNITY CLOTHES GALORE (Seriously a hole table-- most are nice too), TONS of toys for kids, 4 play kitchens, a doll house, motorcycle, gear, bikes, clothes up the you know what, 1 traveling system stroller with carseat, 1 double traveling system with carseat, CUTE crib, Armoire, dressers, grill, luggage, purses, shoes, 2 high chairs, coffee table, futon, CUTE CRIB BEDDING, table saw, dog house, weight stuff, SERIOUSLY TONS OF STUFF. My sisters CLEARED out there houses. Me, just a few minor things. Also, there will be all sorts of food there too. COME buy some CHEAP STUFF. Also, there is TONS AND TONS of kids clothes. Boy and girl. (seriously if you know someone that is pregnant-- we have SO MUCH maternity and baby stuff its nuts!)
5231 Lindee Lane (the Cottages)
Ammon, Id

O Thursday, how I can't wait for you to end

Well, today has been a good day, a stressed day, an emotional day and an all around bad day.

Confused?

Well, today started out pretty great. The kids woke up happy and I decided to take them to the Park for the free lunch. We got there about 11:30 and got their food and sat down. Well Araleigh grabs me and says, "Mommy, there's Lisa!!" I turned to see this cute little blonde girl waving and yelling hi to Araleigh. Lisa is a girl from Araleigh's preschool. Apparently since Araleigh started going there-- they just buddied right up and just love each other. Every time I'd go pick Araleigh up from school and Lisa would come up to get her shoes on Araleigh would always say "Mommy, Thats Lisa and she is my best friend!" haha Anyways, so she was VERY excited to see her. Lisa and her mom, Suzanna came and sat by us. It was pretty refreshing to me to get to know her. She seems like a very sweet person. It was nice to get out of the stress of things and have a good conversation with another mom who didn't know all of our business! Anyways, they played at the park for quite a while-- it was so cute cuz we'd look over to watch them and they'd be holding hands everywhere they went. Canden absolutely LOVEd being outside. He has been SO sick with a cold and probably an ear infection and the wind didn't help. But he just loved being free to run away. It was a good time there. Then I brought them home and immediately loaded them up and went to Arnold's. We still have a whole storage room filled with absolute CRAP. And we are having a garage sale tomorrow and Saturday (HUGE ONE BTW) and I needed to get what little I had down there. Well, it ended up being a huge project getting the ONE main thing I was after out of there. The stroller I am selling just happened to be an the very back corner with 3 heavy boxes on top of it and 2 sets of couches up against it. YEAH. But I am amazing and got it out-- dont ask me how- there was a lot of shifting and careful lifting (I was SO afraid my back would cave). Luckily Grandpa Arnold was there to save me with the kids. They went and played inside while I took crap to my car. Well, as we were leaving Araleigh looked at me and said "mommy, this has been the funnest day ever, I think." It was really the cutest thing ever for me to hear. She had a lot of time outside today and loved it. Well, immediately after that we went straight to I.F. to get the crap out of my car and to my sisters and cleaned up. The rest of the night just was crappy for me. I realized a lot of things that just made me emotional and upset. Mostly it was the fact that I had no one helping me. I know that its hard when Cory is gone but on days when I am trying to get things really done and in a timely matter . . . it hits me that all I can do is rely on myself and sometimes it's just not possible to do without help. Toward the end it just got ridiculous because Canden wanted to play so bad- -- but it was so gross out side, windy and he is SO sick that he couldn't stay outside and Araleigh started being a mess and crying a lot and I just had no help and was just really frustrated at the whole situation. So I left. The past few months I cannot believe all I have been through and through it all I have realized that there truly is only a handful of people that truly care and want to be there. It's hard coming to the realization that I really, truly am on my own and have no one to turn to without being scolded or judged. But I am human and I need help. But this to shall pass . . . right?

Coming to the end of pretty crappy night. . . something great came out of it. We came home today to this:

My note stated: "Light the candles I will be home between 9-10"

Araleigh's said: "I am so proud of you for graduating from preschool. I am sorry I missed it."

I have to tell you. My husband NEVER does stuff like this EVER. But I will say it was just the nice suprise I needed . . . the best suprise: I get to cry on him tonight and have my support system back. Just when I feel so alone and feel like no one really cares I get a nice note, a beautiful flower and a well needed reassurance that he will be hugging me tonight making me feel like I am not alone. (He wasn't coming home to Friday.) I am starting to get into the moving mode--- I think my heart is almost wanting to be back with my family being whole again. It has been truly a hard transition for me because Cory has ALWAYS traveled and I have ALWAYS been here doing the fun family things and letting my children grow and play with their cousins. I have really clung onto staying here . . . but I am feeling that change of heart and I know that I am having some prayers answered for myself right now. I am realizing that I can be happy, anywhere -- as long as I am with my family. Spokane -- here we come.

Questions

So bedtime tonight was . . . full of brainstorming. We came home from my brother's house and we didn't turn the tv on . . . no noise. Araleigh and I sat down and ate some skittles and had a pretty interesting conversation. She has finally reached that stage where she wants to know about everything. The world is interesting and she is ready to know how it works. Well, she kept asking about Canden's surgery. She just doesn't understand why the doctor would cut him. That was a toughy. Then it turned into . . . did the doctor cut you to get Canden out of your belly? Yes, he came out of my belly button. lol Answer completed. Then about 15 minutes later I was reading to her and it went from reading about stars . . . to talking about death and heaven. She is just so confused about why she can't go up to heaven and see Jesus. I told her that it's not her time to see him yet and that we will all see Him someday. She then asked where he was -- I told her Heaven. Where is heaven? In the sky with the stars. Can I get on the roof and see Him then because I just love him? No, we don't get on the roof, we go to Heaven when we die. And her answer was : "we die when the bad guy will kill us?" ........................................ um what has she been watching? I then had to explain that we will die when we are old . . . it was really a long conversation that was pretty mind stumping. I had a really hard time coming up with answers for her little brain to comprehend. I just got a taste of in 8 years her coming to me asking me about the birds and the bees. IT WAS HARD. But I will say in that little time that I had . . having a conversation with her about Jesus and heaven . . . I felt a piece of it right there in that moment. My little girl, so innocent and sweet-- speaking of her love for Jesus and how she really wishes that he wouldn't have died because she loves him so much. It was truly touching. How come these little kids-- who don't come near strangers or talk of them can sit here and tell me how much she loves Jesus . . . not even knowing him here. It just testified to me tonight how truly Angelic children are. They are so fresh from the other side that something so familiar as Jesus and Heaven --- they instantly know love for them. True happiness in my world lies in learning and seeing through the eyes of my children. I am truly humbled tonight by an amazing little girl -- who through simple questions and sincere concern for someone who is not here, our Lord and Saviour --- just strengthened my testimony of their existence. Thank you Father for the innocence and wonderful tender mercies that these beautiful children bring into our homes.

My life

THIS is my life . . . .

and I would do anything for them!

. . . aren't they all so cute in their hats?

All wanting to be just like their daddy.

Our Graduate!

Araleigh graduated from Preschool on Thursday. They had a cute little program where they all marched in and the teacher spoke about the year and then they got up and sang "Each of us is a flower." Then she presented them with little diplomas, a cd of the years songs, and a slideshow of the classes. It was short and very cute. Sadly, it was just me and Grandma there because dad had to work. But it was fun and I am so proud of her and all she has accomplished. She is truly going to miss her teacher so much. I told her tonight that we might not be going back to that school and she was absolutely devastated. She didn't understand and almost started crying because she wasn't going to have Miss Kari anymore. I don't think she knows school is "out for summer" . . I just pray that we can find something like this when we move-- with the same price tag!

Well Post-opt Day 3. Terrible. Things have been rough for little man . . . he keeps clotting and its been a little scary. But the doctor showed my how to take care of the clots and if I can hold him still long enough I can usually do it. But its the screaming, crying, kicking and hitting that gets to me. But its looking better-- but he is sure sore and hurting. But we accomplished a big one today. Canden walked across the room. Then did it again 5 minutes later. And yet again after that. He has been walking all day. He goes in Turtle mode-- but its okay. We still love him!

I came across this picture and thought it was funny:

SHOWING OFF THEIR PEARLY WHITES (or lack there of . . Canden)

Canden finally found our treat drawer . . not he won't stay out of it. He goes right to it and tries and tries to open up all that goodness. I have a feeling we will soon be moving the treat door to where little curious hand cannot reach.

Araleigh wanted my to take pictures the other day: she was making all sorts of funny faces. She has this thing with extending out her bottom jaw when smiling for the camera. Drives me bonkers. But once in a while she will relax and throw me a great smile. Well, she just really wanted me and her to have some pictures -- it was kinda funny. I am not used to taking a "self" picture with a ginorm camera-- it was rather difficult and you probably can see some nose hairs cause of the closeup-- haha Oh well. . at least we got some!

Surgery day

Today Canden had his surgery. We were up at 5 am and at the hospital by 6. We didn't get checked in til about 7 and I handed Canden to the anesthesiologist right around 7:20. I was so sad watching them walk through to the operating room. Canden was super cranky and his belly was roaring. It only took about 40 minutes and the doctor came and talked to us. Then we had to wait about another 30-40 minutes for Canden to get out of recovery. They finally took us to his room and we waited there for about 15 more minutes. Then came in the nurse holding my sweet baby-- he was so out of it. But he was so sweet. Instantly when he saw me he got really fussy-- almost like he was telling on them. After I took him he was just so distraught. His IV was buggin him and cords were everywhere and he was just so uncomfortable. It was sad. I wrestled him and couldn't hold him hardly anymore so I laid him on the bed and covered his IV and he seettled down. He laid there for about and hour. The anesthesiologist came in to check on him and told me that he was really worried because when they got in there he had some upper respiratory issues and they had to suctions a ton of crap out of him . . and his lungs were filled with crap so he was worried. He was coughing and hacking really bad when they brought him back. They gave him a couple treatments before bringing him to me. He laid unsettled and really fussy for an hour then suddenly he perked up, rolled over and got up to push buttons on the heart monitor. He kept trying to crawl over and get it --- which it took Cory and me to get him to stop because he was yanking on his IV. After that he has been smiling like crazy. He has been a trooper. Although I think tomorrow will be the worst of it when I take the bandages off and have to start applying meds-- and the numbing will have worn off too. So tomorrow might be a little worse as far as him. We will see. BUT he did get more courage today and has been taking steps everywhere. Never more than 4-6 though. Tonight came up gave me a kiss, took my phone from me-- put it to his ear and said " hi, hi, hi mummmum" IT WAS SO CUTE. I love him.

Araleigh came running in from school today just completely panicked and wondering if her brother was okay. She has been so concerned aLL day.She is a great big sister.

All in all we are all exhausted . . . and hopefully we can get through the next few days with minimal pain. Cory just let me know he is leaving Thursday night to go back to Washintgon-- we were really hoping to be able to have him the rest of the weekend but its not going to work out. Hopefully I can handle the next few weeks a little better than the last.

Araleigh graduates from preschool tomorrow-- and I am so sad. But she has been talking about her program for days -- so I am excited to see what they will do. I can't believe how big she is.