When she was about 6 months old ... I found her constantly straining her face ... and her hands. It was a consistent thing that became very worrisome for me as a new mom. As she grew a bit into toddler stages --- it increased and got much much worse. That is when the testing began. We went through many tests trying to figure it out. EEG (?) she had several .... watching for Seizures. Nothing came of that .... as we moved to Spokane and started with a new practice and Pediatrician .... her new doctor wanted her own tests done to make sure nothing was missed. After it all we pretty much gathered that she had a Chronic Motor Tic Disorder ... She had a special name for it ... but that is the jist of it. This has been a changing habit for her.... it has taken different forms over the years .... but now is centralized in her hands and face. She gets embarrassed about it now that she is older ... because people constantly ask her about it ... and she doesn't know how to respond. She says people have told her it is "weird".This week has been a trying one for her. She has had friends at school embarrass her about it ... and her insecurity as a pre teen is just getting bigger. As I sought out friends of mine ... which are many parents to Araleigh's closest friends... I learned something that I already knew .... but had confirmed to me. We have a very special and amazing girl in our home. Yes, there are MINIMAL times when we have a HANGRY and moody pre-teen on our hands. But she is NEVER unkind in heart. I have honestly rarely ever felt anyone more Christlike than her. Of course she isn't perfect ..... but if I could obey the rules .. .... and see things Black or White ... man I would. She NEVER breaks rules .... and it KILLS her when I force her to (like being late .... or turning in Homework on Monday not Friday) .... the SIMPLE things are a HUGE deal to her. I learned through this week that she sometimes gets called "Goodie Goodie" .... and to be honest. . . my heart jumped. It may be a act of negativity to those saying it... but if I can help her truly SEE that her innocent heart ... and pure ways of thinking is one of the most incredible gifts to have... I hope she will see it as a pure compliment and not a put down. I also learned that she also has impact on those around us. I am so fortunate to have incredible friends ... whom I cannot imagine life without anymore. I found that a dear friend had already gone to bat for my girl .... trying to get to the bottom of it before we found out because of how much we are going through right now. Their daughters stuck up for mine .... and spoke up to their parents about someone hurting her feelings. I am so impressed by all of these girls who chose to do this. I learned a big lesson on this. . . and hope to learn something from it. I may not deserve to have such mercy and kindness happen to me sometimes ..... but to actually witness these girls and their parents stand up for my little girl ............. I am humbled. So for those of you who know me ..... know my beautiful daughter and her amazing soul that lives inside her ..... Thank you. Thank you for creating a Backbone for me ..... for being that support when I needed it. For her ... without even know how incredibly special she is ..... to have so many fighting for her .... and for her well being is much more than I could ever express. Someday, she will reflect on these writings ... and my purpose in this is to help her SEE that all the trials she has endured already ..... and will continue to suffer through as life happens..... that she has a HUGE family of support behind her. She has had many tears shed for her and for me on both our behalf. So many dear friends ... incredibly sensitive to her and our ongoing struggles . . . . She is an incredible girl. She is my Light in the Darkness . . . . and someday I pray and hope to have that inner glow that she carries naturally inside of her reflect inside of me. 
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Goodie Goodie
In my Patriarchal Blessing it stated that we would have Strong --Exceptional so Spirits come into our home. One's that were meant for this day. . . . and I know that my oldest Araleigh ... is exceptionally so. Since she was little ... she has always been curious. How does this work ... why? When? How? She has always been so compelled with informational facts. To this day .... she does information writing and reports ... for FUN at school... because she finds it fascinating. She is also incredibly smart. Her brain works COMPLETELY different than mine. I have to ask her about Math ... her friends ask her about Math .... her teacher last year had to consult with her old Professor on what to challenge her with in Math as she was already bored and finished with all the 3rd grade curriculum. I am so proud of her. There are a few things I need to make note of .... that someday she will reflect on.
When she was about 6 months old ... I found her constantly straining her face ... and her hands. It was a consistent thing that became very worrisome for me as a new mom. As she grew a bit into toddler stages --- it increased and got much much worse. That is when the testing began. We went through many tests trying to figure it out. EEG (?) she had several .... watching for Seizures. Nothing came of that .... as we moved to Spokane and started with a new practice and Pediatrician .... her new doctor wanted her own tests done to make sure nothing was missed. After it all we pretty much gathered that she had a Chronic Motor Tic Disorder ... She had a special name for it ... but that is the jist of it. This has been a changing habit for her.... it has taken different forms over the years .... but now is centralized in her hands and face. She gets embarrassed about it now that she is older ... because people constantly ask her about it ... and she doesn't know how to respond. She says people have told her it is "weird".This week has been a trying one for her. She has had friends at school embarrass her about it ... and her insecurity as a pre teen is just getting bigger. As I sought out friends of mine ... which are many parents to Araleigh's closest friends... I learned something that I already knew .... but had confirmed to me. We have a very special and amazing girl in our home. Yes, there are MINIMAL times when we have a HANGRY and moody pre-teen on our hands. But she is NEVER unkind in heart. I have honestly rarely ever felt anyone more Christlike than her. Of course she isn't perfect ..... but if I could obey the rules .. .... and see things Black or White ... man I would. She NEVER breaks rules .... and it KILLS her when I force her to (like being late .... or turning in Homework on Monday not Friday) .... the SIMPLE things are a HUGE deal to her. I learned through this week that she sometimes gets called "Goodie Goodie" .... and to be honest. . . my heart jumped. It may be a act of negativity to those saying it... but if I can help her truly SEE that her innocent heart ... and pure ways of thinking is one of the most incredible gifts to have... I hope she will see it as a pure compliment and not a put down. I also learned that she also has impact on those around us. I am so fortunate to have incredible friends ... whom I cannot imagine life without anymore. I found that a dear friend had already gone to bat for my girl .... trying to get to the bottom of it before we found out because of how much we are going through right now. Their daughters stuck up for mine .... and spoke up to their parents about someone hurting her feelings. I am so impressed by all of these girls who chose to do this. I learned a big lesson on this. . . and hope to learn something from it. I may not deserve to have such mercy and kindness happen to me sometimes ..... but to actually witness these girls and their parents stand up for my little girl ............. I am humbled. So for those of you who know me ..... know my beautiful daughter and her amazing soul that lives inside her ..... Thank you. Thank you for creating a Backbone for me ..... for being that support when I needed it. For her ... without even know how incredibly special she is ..... to have so many fighting for her .... and for her well being is much more than I could ever express. Someday, she will reflect on these writings ... and my purpose in this is to help her SEE that all the trials she has endured already ..... and will continue to suffer through as life happens..... that she has a HUGE family of support behind her. She has had many tears shed for her and for me on both our behalf. So many dear friends ... incredibly sensitive to her and our ongoing struggles . . . . She is an incredible girl. She is my Light in the Darkness . . . . and someday I pray and hope to have that inner glow that she carries naturally inside of her reflect inside of me.
When she was about 6 months old ... I found her constantly straining her face ... and her hands. It was a consistent thing that became very worrisome for me as a new mom. As she grew a bit into toddler stages --- it increased and got much much worse. That is when the testing began. We went through many tests trying to figure it out. EEG (?) she had several .... watching for Seizures. Nothing came of that .... as we moved to Spokane and started with a new practice and Pediatrician .... her new doctor wanted her own tests done to make sure nothing was missed. After it all we pretty much gathered that she had a Chronic Motor Tic Disorder ... She had a special name for it ... but that is the jist of it. This has been a changing habit for her.... it has taken different forms over the years .... but now is centralized in her hands and face. She gets embarrassed about it now that she is older ... because people constantly ask her about it ... and she doesn't know how to respond. She says people have told her it is "weird".This week has been a trying one for her. She has had friends at school embarrass her about it ... and her insecurity as a pre teen is just getting bigger. As I sought out friends of mine ... which are many parents to Araleigh's closest friends... I learned something that I already knew .... but had confirmed to me. We have a very special and amazing girl in our home. Yes, there are MINIMAL times when we have a HANGRY and moody pre-teen on our hands. But she is NEVER unkind in heart. I have honestly rarely ever felt anyone more Christlike than her. Of course she isn't perfect ..... but if I could obey the rules .. .... and see things Black or White ... man I would. She NEVER breaks rules .... and it KILLS her when I force her to (like being late .... or turning in Homework on Monday not Friday) .... the SIMPLE things are a HUGE deal to her. I learned through this week that she sometimes gets called "Goodie Goodie" .... and to be honest. . . my heart jumped. It may be a act of negativity to those saying it... but if I can help her truly SEE that her innocent heart ... and pure ways of thinking is one of the most incredible gifts to have... I hope she will see it as a pure compliment and not a put down. I also learned that she also has impact on those around us. I am so fortunate to have incredible friends ... whom I cannot imagine life without anymore. I found that a dear friend had already gone to bat for my girl .... trying to get to the bottom of it before we found out because of how much we are going through right now. Their daughters stuck up for mine .... and spoke up to their parents about someone hurting her feelings. I am so impressed by all of these girls who chose to do this. I learned a big lesson on this. . . and hope to learn something from it. I may not deserve to have such mercy and kindness happen to me sometimes ..... but to actually witness these girls and their parents stand up for my little girl ............. I am humbled. So for those of you who know me ..... know my beautiful daughter and her amazing soul that lives inside her ..... Thank you. Thank you for creating a Backbone for me ..... for being that support when I needed it. For her ... without even know how incredibly special she is ..... to have so many fighting for her .... and for her well being is much more than I could ever express. Someday, she will reflect on these writings ... and my purpose in this is to help her SEE that all the trials she has endured already ..... and will continue to suffer through as life happens..... that she has a HUGE family of support behind her. She has had many tears shed for her and for me on both our behalf. So many dear friends ... incredibly sensitive to her and our ongoing struggles . . . . She is an incredible girl. She is my Light in the Darkness . . . . and someday I pray and hope to have that inner glow that she carries naturally inside of her reflect inside of me. 
Journal .... entries
I came across a letter I wrote with my Testimony in it the Year that one of the biggest trials in my life happened. As I was reading this letter through .... I thought I would share it. Many people who know me .... know I am a introvert. I also have an incredible fear of public humiliation. I RARELY have ever bore my testimony. I believe I have done it ONCE in my lifetime IN public IN a Sacrament Meeting. . . I was 24 years old. That was the last time I did it. I get extreme anxiety and do not in ANY way like confrontation or spontaneity. I spent a lot of time the year Livee was born trying to piece together how to push forward and do the best I can. I easily learned after that --- and after her 100 % dependence on me came to a end ... that I was coasting ... slapping band aids on my inner turmoil and pushing through. I have learned many things the past 4 years. But in a moment of vulnerability and my heart seeking peace ..... I wrote my testimony. I then shared that with my family ... who were also struggling with our trial along with us. Some members of my family are not active in the church... but for me ... I just felt I needed to share what I had learned and felt through that new trial we were starting our journey through. There are a LOT of holes to be filled from when I stopped blogging completely... many amazing and many very hard experiences. I am hoping that as I come across journal entries or notes I wrote myself I can put them on here, for the sake they do not get lost. Someday, my children will need to see that the things that happened and the stuff we went through was all for them...I want them to KNOW we fought for them. We are still fighting. Fighting for our family. Fighting for My marriage. Fighting for My mental health. There is just one simple truth in all of this. Life is HARD. Life will NEVER BE EASY ..... but if I can be a good person .... and have Faith that the Lord will carry me ........ I will be ok.
December 2012:
As this Christmas season has come so quickly I have had much time to
reflect and ponder on what this year has taught me and my family and how I can become better because of it. I feel as if it is something to share with you. As you know of the things that came to light throughout the summer I have to say that I have never been through such agony and hurt in my life. Though I have always had feelings that something was wrong it never really hits until things are out and real. I thought I was prepared for what was to come and found that I was not. This has been a very long road for me and my family and though we will endure and be okay the pain is still there and I am reminded daily of the things that happened. Though this is the hardest trial I have ever had to endure in my life I have to tell you I have never felt more love and support either. When I was at my lowest and felt completely and utterly alone I would receive a phone call from Dad or my sisters or a note from someone in the family or friend that had the inspiration to contact me to see how I was. At this time I truly believe that Heavenly Father was handing me small tender mercies to help me cope. I felt as if no one around me cared for what happened and frankly played it off as if it was not a big deal. And because of the family I have and the friends I have Iwas able to feel that this was wrong. So I thank you for being supportive of me and helping me to get through the most difficult trial I have ever had. I know that the Lord knows my pain as he does everyone.
I read in 3 Nephi 21-24
And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and
blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones. And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled
those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and theangels did minister unto them.
Heavenly Father and Jesus love His children. Jesus wept over and over as he prayed for the little ones. Children are the closest thing to Heaven and though we at times cannot protect them from every evil of the world-- we do our best to make sure they are loved and safe. I know that angels minister to children especially in times of need. Children can bounce back from a terrible situation because of this. I have seen it in my family. Throughout this whole process I have had to turn to the Gospel for guidance and hopefully at some point healing and forgiveness. As I have studied I realized something that I should have known all along.The Atonement is the only way to heal. For a long time I always associated the Atonement with only repentance and forgiveness of sins. But I have truly learned a new meaning of it in my life. Christ bled at Gethsemane not only for my sins but for my pain and suffering. He is the only one who knows all of our pain. I have found that as I lay at night and ask for my burdens to be lifted as I rest that they are and as I wake if I ask for the burdens to be lightened to get through the day---I seem to have a better day. Being all by ourselves up here at Christmas time has been such a hard thingfor me and my family. But I have had time to reflect on the true meaning Christmas. Christ Birth. What
a wonderful time of year to reflect on the blessings that have been given to us because of Him. The past year through the trials I have also experienced more blessings than I can count. I have truly found a firm testimony in Christ's
love for each of us. I have witnessed the miracles and tender mercies provided
to me by Him in the timing and placement of people who are in my life. This year would have been so much harder without those people and my family supporting us. I want you to know that I have a testimony of this Gospel in
which I am apart. I have felt the Lord’s arms around me in times of need as I have truly sought after His help. How blessed I am to know that a Savior was born so I could heal and be forgiven for my shortcomings. I am truly grateful for this gift. My testimony is something that I feel should be shared with my family . . . I do have a testimony of Christ. I have a testimony of administering angels who are sent to help us in time of need and I have a testimony of the promptings of the Spirit. I know that as I am trying to be the best I can and striving to be a better person that the Spirit will be with me and guide me.
We are all imperfect, we all have our trials but I know that the Lord loves
us and wants us to call on Him for help. I have seen healing begin in my family because of our faith that He can help us. I know that the Lord is looking out for my family and all who will let Him in. I don’t know if you have read Elder Uchdorft’s talk given on the Forget me nots. It is a wonderful talk
that truly touched me. He listed 5 forget me not’s.
1) Forget Not to be patient with yourself. -Don't compare yourself with others. 2) Forget Not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice. Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?
3) Forget Not to be HAPPY now! Your golden ticket is NOW!
4) Forget Not the "why" of the gospel- The gospel is joy when
we understand the why! It sanctifies our actions when we understand why we do things.
5) Forget Not that the Lord loves you!-You are not forgotten!
For me the most important Forget Not that he talked about was that God loves us and knows us. Although I know this, it is so much more reassuring to hear the words from a modern apostle who truly loves and cares for our welfare. My favorite quote from his entire talk was "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark
your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love." What a powerful man he is. We are truly blessed to have such amazing apostles be so in tune and know what we need to hear. I am so grateful for modern prophets to hear the words of our Heavenly Father. These talks are so inspiring and uplifting especially in times of need. We have such great leadership in the church and I know that they are truly inspired. I hope that through all of my faults and weaknesses that I can become a better person and example to my children and my family. I know that God lives and the Scriptures are true. I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation knowing that my family will be together for eternity. I hope that you can feel my love for the family and appreciation for everything. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. I hope that Christmas is wonderful and we are slightly missed.It’ll be a lonely day up here for us!
Love you, Nicole
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
2016 ..... years later!
I used to live for blogging. It was my official OUT and DE-stresser at the end of the day. It was my counselor when I was alone with 2 kids and my husband lived 9 hours away for months .... and when he was always traveling. Then 3 kids happened. And life stopped being my own in all reality. . . and my journal stopped. But.... I am now constantly thinking of how I need to be writing again. It was therapeutic .... and personal... and I was able to put it in books to have for my kids forever. So ... my goal is to start. So here we go . . . . My Krazy Life .... back on blog. I do warn .... I am very honest .... I am very vulnerable ..... I am very sensitive when it comes to my writing on my life and my experiences. I am going to keep this blog private and ask that those who I choose to be apart of my blog keep things to themselves and my private life .... for me. I am doing this for me .... and for my children. I have a lot of words in my head and a lot to say ---- but sometimes monitoring what I say for sake of face is hard. So I am keeping it real ...... this is me .... this is us ..... this is my un-perfect perfect life.
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