Wow, my poor baby is not going to have anything to read when she is older because of my lack of ambition to keep up on the blog. Poor thing. I will be going through pictures and trying to recall the last year almost. The past year has been the most trying time I have ever had to face. I have had to come face to face with many trials. I know that because of the things I have gone through the last year I have completely left blogging or in my case "journaling" in the dust. Poor Livee will not have much documented because of me and I feel horrible because of it. But here I am going to attempt a semi-catch up of her life and my other 2 childrens lives for the last 2 year. I don't know who will read this but because of my privacy I am comfortable to blog of some of the things I have endured. I know it will be therapeutic for me to write my thoughts out.
Almost 3 years ago our worlds were rocked -- pretty hard. I blogged about many of my feelings through those times and realized over the past year how the mind and body compensate to get you through. I find it interesting. Well, I was pregnant, very sick . . and completely immobile during the last 6 months of my pregnancy. And as all mothers know . . the first year of your babies life --- it's all about them. Especially with Livee being very underweight and not mobile til a year old. I had to completely concentrate on her well being. Getting her to the doctor . . . making sure her diet was right ... and taking her to physical therapy to help with her mobility. Also dealing with some therapy with Araleigh and her night terrors were happening frequently and also potty training my son. Well, my baby was 10 months when I stopped breastfeeding so Cory and I could take a trip to Hawaii. This is the point for me where everything changed. Maybe changed isn't the right word . . .because nothing really changed --- but I became aware. It was the real first trip I have ever taken since our honeymoon with only Cory. I suddenly had TIME and I become very much aware of how damaged our relationship was. I was grateful to have with us our closest friends with us to help alleviate the pressure. Don't get me wrong though . . . we had an amazing time and we laughed and acted like a bunch of teenagers again. And that was refreshing for me. But I knew something was wrong and didn't know how to face it. The next month, in January I was lucky enough to join my sisters and my wonderful mother for her birthday on a trip to North Carolina to see my Aunt Shelley. This is the absolute first trip I have every taken with my family like this. From the first flight something just lurked . . . and I don't know how to explain it. I just felt off. Well, if you know me at all ... I tend to take things very hard and internalize everything. When it comes to my family ... whether it be my children or my siblings. I hurt when they hurt. The whole trip I think that my sisters and I had come to grips with what was happening in our lives. I knew my one sister was suffering .... and it hurt to watch. I will say. . . that trip was a huge wake up call for me. We did a whole lot of nothing . . . sitting ... reading... relaxing .... which led to thinking and basically my reality coming and smacking me right in the face. I came home and everything changed. My baby was no longer dependent on me ... and all the sudden I was facing many things that had been buried and shoved to the side...never dealt with. I found a new love for reading . . . which I overcompensated with. (read over 100 books in a 6 month period). I stopped sleeping. Stopped eating. Stopped being what my kids needed. I fell into a black hole and then I started having anxiety attacks. I have never in my life been one to willingly ask for help unless I was desperate. And I never let anyone know what was happening to me. In March I went home to Idaho with my SIL for a week with the kids. Just me and the kids. I spent the entire week --- basically a zombie . . . and not communicating with my husband at all. I had horrible feelings toward him and it was hard to be around his family. I had a lot of things hit me that week. I came home even worse than I was before. I probably slept a total of 12 hours that entire week. At this time I was still in physical therapy 2 times a week and I had to be there at 7 am. So I never got more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep and I never take naps. I was completely disconnected with Cory and completely exhausted. He couldn't get through to me and I was completely ready to be done. It was almost like everything that I had ever been through with him was right there ... freshly wounded. 13 years of trials and a reality of the magnitude of how things were handled through the worst trial of my life overwhelmed everything. I couldn't look at Araleigh without running to the bathroom and having a break down. My body started shutting down and the anxiety made me start habits that I am still trying to get rid of. I lost 25 lbs in under 3 months. And do not remember smiling .... ever. Cory got to the point of desperation in April and after a long night of a bad break down and me finally releasing feelings I was having .... he was helpless. Then he did something for me at a time when I couldn't help myself...to which I will always be grateful for. After being up all night after I unloaded on him he called my best friend, Kristi who had just moved to Seattle and flew her in that morning. I had not talked to her or anyone about my battles and if ever I did it was her. The kids were at school and she called me. . I hadn't talked to her in a while and I tried to keep it together while I talked to her on the phone. Within 10 minutes my door rang and I opened it and she was there. I completely lost it. And for the next 3 days I didn't stop crying. Cory dropped her off from the airport went and picked the kids up from school while she packed them bags and he left and went to Seattle to stay with her husband and left us alone all weekend. I have never been through such an emotional 3 days in my life. But she at the time is what I needed. She was there for me through all the trials with Araleigh and my pregnancy and has become a sister and rock for me in the many ways. She let me cry and scream and hurt with no judgement. She cried with me. And in a time in my life where I was utterly lonely .... she made me feel like I wasn't. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me that weekend. Taking her to the airport that Sunday after sleeping for 4 hours total in 3 days was so hard. I felt like she was my glue keeping me together for a while because I couldn't do it. And when she moved ... it broke my heart ... but her coming back sealed a bond for me I will never be able to repay her for. After that weekend I think Cory thought it was all better .... but it just continued to get worse. He was just as withdrawn as I was but in a different way. In July he called a therapist and we started marriage counseling. It has been a roller coaster. It has been hard. It is expensive. I hate it. But it has been rewarding. We not only are trying to figure out what our trials have meant .. but we are dealing with individual problems that have never been addressed. He has no emotion .... and will not deal with any. And I keep everything in and never let go. So it has been a work in progress. After 2 years we are still going. It took us a long time to deal and get through our trial from 3 years ago .... which still lingers but we have found that there are deeper issues we have to address. I have done everything I can to try and stay away from getting on medications ..... and I have always been anti --- not for other people but for myself. I hate taking any medications. I am terrible at it. I have never been one to be able to take pills--- because I constantly forget to take doses and hate being dependent on things. My biggest fear is to become dependent on medication (whether emotionally or for back pain) and then forget to take it --- or run out or something happens and I can't get to it and then I can't handle it. So I have never liked taking pills. I have gotten to the point in my emotional roller coaster ride that I now am trying that route. I have never been so out of control with anxiety and inner turmoil than these past few years . . . and I can finally say I am slowly traveling on a road to recovery. Life seems to be more complicated than ever and I am just hoping that the triggers that have become so frequent will soon become less frequent and I can start working on being the best person I can be and focusing on being healthy and happy.
