I have often wondered what my life would be like if I hadn't married Cory 8 years ago. I wonder what I would be . . . . if I would be traveling the world like I once wished I would or out having a blast with friends til all hours of the night like in high school and college. But as today approached I was reminded of the most important calling that I have in this life . . being a Mother to my beautiful children. This has been the most important decision I have ever made in my life. I often find myself sulking in a pity party when I see old friends-- or family traveling or frequently vacationing (some do not have kids.) I often think to myself . . MAN, it'd be easier and fun to just be able to up and go to Mexico or Hawaii or NYC without worrying about one thing. Those are things I have always longed to do . . . but today as every Mother's Day I was reminded once again that nothing else matters but me . . .my children . . and the home I am creating for my family. This past year I have learned a lot about myself and the love I have for my children. I have lived through the true mother bear syndrome, mourned over a child being hurt, I have experienced a "unwanted" and unexpected pregnancy which has turned into one of three biggest blessings of my life. (Now when I say unwanted I do not mean I didn't not want my baby-- it was more I was not planning on it and I felt it was inconvenient timing through the trials I was going through at that time. I now realize that this sweet amazing baby girl is I think what pulled me through a very dark place by keeping me occupied with trying to stay healthy and well for her. The Lord sure works in wonderful ways.) I have experienced so much in my short 5.5 years of being a mother. I went through the yearning of infertility with my first 2, I have experience grief over situations dealing with my children, I have felt an eternal love that I never knew existed in my calling as a Mother and I have witnessed miracles all in the small packages of a 5 yo,2 yo, and 4 month old. The things I have learned over the last year . . . is how to love more, how to be more protective (this might be a bad thing at some point), how to love with every fiber of my being, and how to physically make myself be the mom I need to be -- even when I am physically and mentally unable to. Today at church this kid was having his farewell . . he gave the most beautiful talk on Mothers. I wish I could remember most of it but it touched my heart so much. His main focus was that we are never going to be perfect . . . and for us to know and realize that WE ARE ENOUGH. This is something I struggle with so so much. I should be better in so many aspects of my life . . . especially for my children. So many regrets I have . . . he also said something absolutely wonderful that has stuck with me all day. He said no matter where we are in our life and in the Gospel . . . the past doesn't matter. Start today and move forward. He was referring to being an active example to your children. If you are trying to teach your children to Pray . . . let them see you pray. If you want them to love the scriptures, find the love of the scriptures for yourself. If these are things that you have been struggling with-- oh well . . . Start now and move forward. Don't look behind. I just loved that. It's not too late to do the things that we feel so inadequate about doing. This gave me hope . . . hope of knowing that its okay that I am not perfect. It's okay that sometimes I have a dirty house . . . because holding my baby and those bonding moments are more important than the 12 loads of laundry sitting on my bed waiting to be folded. The dishes can wait . . . because tonight I was able to go and snuggle my little girl when she was upset and crying over something really silly... just to show her that I love her even though she was in trouble with dad. I was able to get on the floor and lay by my son who is normally a complete daddy's boy and have him scoot over, put his head on mine and ask me if he could share his tiny little blanket with me. . . all while fighting over who loves who more. I had to leave church today because as I sat in Relief Society waiting for it to start I felt a rumble in Livee's tummy and lifted her up --- just to find a huge pool of poop spilling on my dress and seeping onto my legs. . . only to rush out and have her giggle and scream of excitement as I was trying to carefully pull a really messy dress off of her. These little moments I try to imprint in my memory because someday these kids will be on their own and my role as a mom will change. I am so blessed . . . and my heart is full today. As I was sitting in sacrament today I was staring at my 3 children --- amazed and honored to be their mom. As I looked at Araleigh all I could think about was how beautiful she was today . . . and how I truly hope that I can mold her into a confident young lady that will not let her trials form who she is --- but she will someday be stronger and more amazing because of them. I looked at Canden as he was laying on the ground completely tuned into driving his little cars around on the floor. . . he is so full of life and I hope someday he will feel the drive to serve the Lord and love Him as we do. I held Livee looking over her cute chubby face and wild long mohawk--- cherishing those moments when just looking at mom is the most exciting thing to her. She gets so excited when I interact with her . . . and I am loving every minute of it.
There has been so many terrible stories in the news lately of child abuse and neglect from parents . . its gotten to the point where I cannot watch or read news anymore. Looking at my baby today my heart hurt for them . . . . it hurt for all the other thousands of babies who are being hurt or neglected . . . who aren't getting snuggled and kissed by their moms. How dare these people take such innocent children and do horrible things to them . . . I truly just want to bundle up all those little babies and snuggle and kiss them so that they can feel the love that they deserve and the God intended them to have. I am grateful for this day . . . remembering and honoring all mothers. My mom is the most amazing person I know. She is the ultimate example of sacrifice. She would give her last breath if it meant we needed it. She has never done anything for herself . . . she has always just given. I am so thankful for her deep love that she has for us and her grandchildren. She is my best friend . . . when I am hurting, she is hurting. I hope that someday my children will look to me as I do my mom. I am so blessed to have such wonderful woman in my life. Such great examples all around me and I am so glad that we at least get one day each year to celebrate how fabulous we all are . . . and to get the small reminder that we can do hard things . . . . and its okay not to be super mom. What a humbling day.
