Numb

Many trials have been thrown in my direction in my life but never have I thought something could bring me down and hurt so much. The past few days I have been praying and searching for peace to come to me, but I know time will only make healing. As our current trial in our lives right now has surfaced I reflect on so many things of the past. Many why's and how's. Blaming myself and mostly blaming others is something that I realized today is going to take a while for me to work through. I know that in the end the only thing that will heal all pain and lift us when we have fallen is the Lord and His Atonement. The pain is so fresh though I have struggled with the idea of something being wrong for a few years. I cannot do anything but blame myself for not heading to my promptings and making more noise when I knew things weren't right. My heart is broken and I have never experience such a pain in my life. I know many questions will arise from my posting this but just know that this blog has been a therapy for me. I was told the best way for me to cope is to talk it out or write it out and here I am. My Uncle said to me yesterday that there is no science or proof to know why the mother instinct is so strong and why it is so natural for mothers to have the immediate protection and undying love for her children. I truly have felt this magnified the past few days. I have always felt like I have done my best to protect those I love especially my children. But sometimes it just isn't good enough. I read here that “Motherhood, is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.” I know this is true-- for we are here to nurture and protect our children. Sadly Satan still has his grips on people and we cannot control the acts of others. I have realized we have a long road ahead of us and there will be many processes and coping tactics that I will have to learn to get through. I am not sure if in my current situation there is something to learn or grow from this--- except that the only way for me and my family to heal is to lean on the Savior now.
I read in 3 Nephi 21 And when he had said these words, he ^awept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and ^bblessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. 22And when he had done this he wept again; 23And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones. 24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and ^aencircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

Heavenly Father and Jesus loves his children. Jesus wept over and over as he prayed for the little ones. Children are the closest thing to Heaven and though we at times cannot protect them from every evil of the world-- we do our best to make sure they are loved and safe. I know that angels minister to children especially in times of need. Children can bounce back from a terrible situation because of this.

My heart has never been so heavy and I never thought my concerns would ever become a reality. I am angry. I am devastated. I am just plain worried. Time heals all pain--- but right now I know I have a right to be angry. I was also told by my wonderful Uncle that sometimes it is okay to be mad at God . . . because God has the biggest shoulders you can lean on and he can take anything. At this point in my life I am not angry with God because I feel God gave me the promptings I needed at the time in my life when I needed it. Because of his spirit guiding me I was able to hold on to what I knew to be truth until it came to light. I have turned my anger towards those around me, which I will have to apologize for someday. I am not sure why I was the only one voicing concerns and no one heeded to my cries and I don't know why with so many people that heed to the council of the Lord were not given the same promptings as I. I just don't understand. I know many things happen for a reason-- though uncontrolled I believe that this circumstance was brought to light at this time for a reason. I hope the Lord will help me understand what that reason was. I know now that we can start our path of healing and moving forward but I think it is going to be a long process especially for me and the ones involved.

I am hurting. Cory is hurting. Those around us are hurting. I want to rise above this and push towards a healthy recovery for all. I want to do the right thing and push forward in a correct way that will only magnify healing. I am glad to finally rid of those who are so evil in my life and most importantly my children lives and know now that I will never have to be surrounded by this situation and the many uncomfortable circumstances that we have been through ever again.

Seems to be a lot of catching up lately

I am SO behind. I am not sure why my lacking in the blogging department has been so lax but I guess with being busy with the end of the year and wrapping everything up I just haven't had a change to blog. My kids are keeping me on my toes--- well at least Canden is. That kids keeps me sweating all day long. Things that have gone on the last little while:

Araleigh finished up dance for the year with her recital. Grandma Chrys flew up to Spokane to watch her. She was so excited and all the girls did great. After we left her dance recital we were invited to go boating with friends. Mom was a trooper and came with us. It was so much fun to get out in the water in the sun after such a dreary spring. It was a lot of fun. Araleigh finished up school with her Preschool Graduation (pix coming). She did great this year. The only thing that she hasn't accomplished yet is tying her shoe-- which we will be working on this summer. She is getting so big and truly is ready for Kindergarten but unfortunately she is too young so she is going to be extra ready with 3 years of Preschool behind her. She LOVES to play cards. Everyday we have to play Goldfish (princess style) and Old Maid. She loves to play cards like her parents!

Canden-- is a monster. But he is so cute that its hard to stay mad at the little man. He is into an Onto EVERYTHING. He is a wild man that is hard to tame. HE LOVES HIS BALLS-- whether its basketball, baseball or soccer. HE is constantly playing. Little turd is amazing at them all too-- which I am not sure how cuz I don't teach him anything. He is starting to talk like crazy . . . he is growing up so fast makes me a bit sad not sure I am ready for the really terrible 2's and 3's with this kid. He is a bit more than I can handle at times but he has a killer smile that gets me through it. All I know is that all the horror stories that Cory's mom told me are coming to light in this little feller --- he's a funny little guy and we love him to pieces. This picture was taken at Logan's ball game. He kept going and getting their bats and trying to go up to bat -- he was determined to go out there and play with the big boys. It was hard for mom to keep him back. Sure love the kid.

As for us we are doing great. We did have a bit of a surprise this past week. . . . . . . . . .


Yes, it is true . . . . completely surprised about the whole thing and utterly shocked. I was dieting all through the last few weeks --- and when I was coming down off of it I was just SO SICK. Like my body ached, I was tired, and I woke up and went to bed feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I finally decided to try a test just because the whole thing was really weird. Sure enough to my surprise. Positive. Frankly I was just shocked because I had NO PLANS of going into the doctor to start my fertility treatments (because with my other two I have always had to be on meds and get procedures) until Fall at LEAST. But the Lord had a different plan for us apparently. I was FREAKED out because of the medicine and stuff I had been on during my diets so called the doctor immediately to see if it was really in there, if it was okay, and how far along I was because I had NO IDEA. Well, went to the doctor-- everything is great, heartbeat was 124 and I am only about 7 weeks. I normally would wait to shout it from the rooftops --- but my lovely big mouth husband decided that while I was driving to Idaho from Washington he'd take the opportunity to splash it all over facebook. When I saw this random act of defiance-- I had to make several late night phone calls to family to ensure they knew by PERSON NOT FACEBOOK. He's such a dork. So as of now its still new and as nature is-- anything can still happen. But for now-- I am just living through nausea and fatigue all day long. This 2 week trip to Idaho is actually a lot harder than I thought because I am chasing a 2 year old (as of next Tues) and trying not to puke. And to make things worse .. . . my dad (bless his heart) like to make concoctions in the mornings with his food-- which in turn REAKS the entire house--- which in turn forces me to puke. I have had to have a heart to heart with the old man today to let him know he needs to up the scale of sensitivity on his end because this mom can't handle the smell of burnt eggs and ham fuming the house all day.. I seriously had to run out of the house and not come back. Sure love him though.

Canden's birthday party is this Saturday and I will make sure to do an update then!